Serendipity - 25

[ I'm really glad to have one of my articles on @UntitledChapter. For those of you looking for good reads and an opportunity to publish any piece check them out! 

The link to my article: http://untitledchapters.com/2013/07/29/life/ ]

Hello, i love seeing that people from all over the gulf countries and outside the gulf  (such as Morocco) are reading this. You're the best!

Refresher: I refer in this post to events that happened way in the beginning of the story, i.e. the breakup of Lojain with her second cousin Khalifa few weeks before they travel. 

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As the sun rose to spread its warm rays over the cold city of Istanbul, Lojain and Nouf finally rested their heavy eye lids. They spent their night each curled up under her blanket, chit chatting about the events earlier that day. A bit about how Lojain ran away, a bit about the sights they saw and the food they ate but mainly concentrating on Fares. 

Indeed Fares was the center of the conversation despite the sidetrack conversations they'd go into every now and then. The interest level in the subject of the conversation seems to be high on both sides despite the emotions that came along with it. 

"He's mysterious" commented Nouf looking up at the ceiling whilst hugging her blanket. 

"Not really," shrugged Lojain. She knew that there is something about Fares that is not right, something that is hidden. But mysterious wasn't the word she'd choose to describe him. "More like... Dark?"

"Now what's dark supposed to mean?!" Nouf rolled her eyes, then shifted to her side to face Lojain's bed, "Are you trying to sound sophisticated? Well he's my dark side and I'm the angel," She added jokingly.  "i'll show you a picture" 

Nouf pulled out a picture from her iphone and handed it over. It was a picture taken by Haifa of Nouf and Fares seated beside each other on the Bosphorus boat ride. At the first glance, the picture showed Lojain a couple that she knows, but as she stared more into the features of the subjects a wave of alienated emotions crashed on the shores of her heart causing it for less than a millisecond to stop beating. 

She looked again at the photo trying to understand what is wrong. There were too much feelings that this one picture triggered. There was jealousy, fear, sadness and happiness. All that aside, there was a strong gut feeling that this, Nouf and Fares, was not right. 

The expression of her beloved friend in that photo reminded her so much of herself with Khalifa before her break up. That's how she always looked like, happy but not in that same instant. Its like she was happy for something that will happen, not what she is living. Happy about what would happen, what could change, not what is concrete and factual around her. Some might call this optimism but at this moment, Lojain realized that it was "surreal"; a mix of fact and fantasy. 

On the other hand, she noted that the expression of Fares in the picture was way more different than that of Khalifa's. She had to admit. Khalifa always had that caring look when he was with her. Gave her all 101% of his attention when they were in the same place. But Fares looked distant. 

Without realizing, Lojain zoomed into the face of Fares and started analyzing, totally forgetting about her surroundings. She looked deeply at his face. He wasn't looking at Nouf, not even the camera, he was waaaay off the chart. 

His smile... that's not even a smile, noticed Lojain. Its like he's... he's...   Her trail of thoughts jammed at the failure of recalling words that could describe what she thinks Fares feels. She let out a long sigh instead. 

"Are you ok?" Nouf took her sigh as a queue to talk. She noticed the change in Lojain's mood and sat there quietly till her friends would speak up.

"yeah i'm............" Lojain chocked on her own words. 

Its always that moment when you realize how much you bottled up. You stand with your self built shield ready to confront whoever. But as soon as you attempt to arrange a chain of words, you choke on the one that you've always convinced yourself about. Your own throat refuses to let you continue this lie, it strangles your thoughts right before they leave. Its like they're blocking the flow of air into your lungs and just as you are about to suffocate on your own pride, your eyes decides to let a few drops down, let your guards down and give you a break of acting strong, because the strength lies in understanding and confronting your troubles not sweeping them under the rug. Unlike other matters, here out of sight, out of mind does not work. 

When she was able to speak again, Lojain smiled shyly at Nouf. "I remembered Khalifa." She started explaining. 

"I now know what went wrong with us. You see, I grew up with the idea that I'm Khalifa's. I started painting images in my head about how our life would be. I created a frame of the guy I want and tried so hard to fit Khalifa into that frame. I always had hope that i will change him. Time by time, i was forcing him into something he was not. He was pressured to not be himself around me. And what is love without comfort? I practically pushed him away and now i can see the signs that i didn't see before. To be honest, I now realize that I never loved him but the idea of him. I've always admired a man that was good with his words and challenging in his actions. Someone that needed me to care for him as much as i need him to care about me. Although Khalifa showered me with attention and care, he didn't need my attention and it drove me crazy. He was never good with words although he was always genuine and he's not at all challenging. i always expected his next move. I don't know. It sounds very rational in my head but i'm scared it comes off as selfish. Its the same the other way round too. He didn't like many of my actions, how i dress, how i love control and my "bossiness" as he says it. We fell in love with an idea, not each other. Ok this will just make it sound even worse, but he's short! and I always wanted a tall guy. Its something that was always on my mind although i say i can compromise. You have to like the person and i realized it this moment............... Its like i can finally sleep now. I don't need to be hard on myself again every night. Am i making sense?"

"Yes, I understand. I'm glad that you came to a conclusion and an ending to all that." Nouf replied as she moved to hug Lojain. "See, I am the angel..."

"About that..." interrupted Lojain as she let go of Nouf's embrace. "Do you like Fares, or the idea of Fares?"

"emm.... how do i figure that out?"

"Tell me what do you like about Fares.."

"He's tall, emm.... good looking, i love Haifa.... his words omg they make me blush even if i'm mad, and emm... emough?"

"You noticed that you mentioned nothing about his personality. Its just about looks and how you feel..."

"Its cuz i don't know him well...maybe..."

"We'll try to figure that out tomorrow. Everytime you find something about him that you like remember and mention it to me later and we'll see. I'm too tired, lets sleep"

But sleep doesn't come soon. The girl's are left at the mercy of their thoughts. Lojain's brain starts with a page in my life is turned. Alhamdella.... But this Fares. I have to know till it can no longer cope while Nouf's attempt in recalling the traits she loves in Fares failed. His conversations, she finally decides. Maybe his conversations, she assures herself falsely. 

They fell asleep without knowing what they just realized. Their eyes were carrying the weight of the world. Just then, the sun rises to spread its warm rays over the cold city of Istanbul. 

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